Some of my closest loved ones may have enough of witnessing my grief. The pain it can echo, or the difficulty in knowing that I may never be freed from it.
Without doubt, navigating these seas for over twenty years has inevitably taken me through tumultuous storms. However, I am finding peace in the knowing that this sorrow does not ultimately leave your heart.
I have many joys, through my children, my loved ones, friendships, and witnessing the gift of life. But just as we can live in a monstrous world, we can also rejoice in the beauty of it.
Grief acts as the same paradox. Trying to fight it can make you feel frustrated, disconnected, and utterly lonely. But if you acknowledge that it is part of the fabric of life, you can instead honour it like a delicate and precious part of it. And most importantly, start taking steps to help others, or find purpose in the journey.
It took me a long time to realize that no amount of therapy, tears, or conversations could ever truly reach the depth of what I went through when my mother passed away. It is a pain I cannot quite explain, and it simply belongs to a part of me that very little can touch.
Sometimes, it can feel deeply lonely when people believe you are living in the past, or when they tire of the quiet sadness that has stayed with you for over twenty years.
But carrying this love doesn't mean I am hiding from the present. I am here, full of life and movement, rejoicing in my children and trying to create a warm and gentle world for them. I think I am just simply ready to stop defending a feeling that others may not understand. Instead, I want to use this profound awareness to sit with those who are going through a great heartache, so they might feel a little less lonely in the darkness.
I hope that everyone who has suffered from loss can find comfort in the fact that it is not a poison, but a strength to carry. Sorrow, no matter what form it takes, is part of life, and gives us a profound understanding of certain aspects of existence which can otherwise be left unseen.
Grief and love can be strongly intertwined in my opinion.
Wishing well to everyone who reads this,
Sophie